People — Blog 1 — YOSSY AKINSANYA

I set myself the goal of reading and finishing one book this year, my choice just so happened to be ‘Conversations on Love’ by Natasha Lunn. One part of the book stuck with me:

“Last year my mum called while I was getting ready for work. I was already late, and as she spoke about her plans for the week ahead - her pilates class, the friends she was having round for dinner, the recipes she was considering, I absent-mindedly asked short questions, holding the phone in one hand while fishing around my drawer for two matching socks with the other.

At first, a familiar feeling rose up in me, a combination of distraction and frustration and stress; a reminder that I didn’t have time to talk. But then, a second feeling: a sudden awareness of the fleeting beauty of this phone call. The latter only appeared because, a few days before, I’d interviewed a woman who’d lost her mother, who said what she missed most was sharing the tiny, seemingly pointless details of each other’s lives.

It was only because of that conversation that I sat down on the edge of the bed and really listened to my mum’s voice: the way she shortened pilates to ‘lattes’'; how she said, ‘I’ll give you a tip…’ every time she talked me through a recipe. Instead of waiting for the right moment to interrupt, soon I wanted to tightly bind this conversation to memory”.

In 2021 we lost my aunt and since then my mother and I have grown closer. I’ve come to understand her more as I’ve grown older, we have more honest conversations nowadays. Losing my aunt was the first major loss I felt deeply, it shook my family to our core and made me realise that you never know when it’s someone’s time to go. If you knew my aunt, you knew all she wanted was to become a mother, she was a natural and she had always been one to us but I never understood that deep want. Maybe it’s down to me still only being in my early 20s and the broodiness just not hitting me yet, as well as not feeling that societal pressure yet due to my '‘biological clock’ still having time on it. Maybe it was due to reflecting on my own relationship with my mum growing up and knowing it had its moments I was just not ready to deal with.

Pairing the book with the loss of my aunt, a newfound want to be a better daughter, friend and support to my mother. It can be easy to forget that our mothers were their own people before having us, some not having the easiest journey into motherhood, their own mental health battles, their own harsh upbringings, broken relationships, and whatever else life threw at them.

Therefore, in honour of my aunt who I know is watching down on us in heaven, I wanted to use this personal project as an opportunity to have open conversations about the journey of motherhood. There are numerous goals and outcomes that I hope comes from this, whether it be someone reaching out to their mum to work on their relationship, someone finding comfort in knowing others had similar journeys to them, or mothers still very early into their journey learning something from the interviews.

So without further ado, here’s a conversation I had with my mother on February 16th, happy mothers day to all the mothers and mothers to be out there reading this!

A portrait of my mum taken at home, november 2022.

Yossy: so hi mum, thank you for joining me for this interview! The first question I would like to start off asking you is, who would you say you are, and how would you describe yourself to a stranger?

Mum: my name is Adedayo the daughter of Mahmoud Aderounmu Bamgbose and the wife of Adesumbomi Akinsanya. I’m the mother to two wonderful beautiful girls, Folasade and Folayosade. I’m a very hard-working woman and support to my husband, I hope I’m leaving legacies for my two wonderful daughters. As we say in Africa, our children are our wrapper, now they are adults, the dynamics are changing, so I would say they’re my daughters and I have two beautiful friends. I’m a blessed person, I have six best friends, I had two on earth waiting for me and I had four after me, those are my sisters, I’m one of seven and I have my oldest bestie, my dear mother.

A picture of my mum when she met my dad in the 80s.

Yossy: amazing, my next question is did you know that you always wanted to be a mother?

Mum: oh definitely, coming from Africa it’s like…you’re surrounded by family and friends and children. I mean it’s a different way of life now for my children’s generation but for my generation, I had a wonderful stepdad who said you get a good education, get a good job, then you’ll meet someone and be an asset to them and have children, so it was all I would hear, it was stipulated, it’s all you know growing up based on what you see around you. My children’s generation is career first, finding your own path, not just looking for someone to complete them, wanting to achieve many things before getting married.

Yossy: so you say that your mum is your best friend and teacher, how was your relationship with grandma growing up?

Mum: I didn’t see her as my best friend growing up that’s the saddest part of it, you know because there were seven of us. My mum has always been someone approachable, she started becoming my best friend when I was having my children and she would come to stay with us. Growing up with her, she was very strict, we didn’t know it was for our own good, she was a hands-on mother. In Nigeria back then, many parents would leave home and go to work or go to the shop, my mum, we her children were her job, were her everything. I lost my dad when I was really young going to age 10, then my mum got married again to my stepdad, they were really good, so I learned a lot from my mum.

She wasn’t like other mums back then that would go to parties or have many friends, she made her children her business and she’s benefitting from it today. But thank God for the way she brought us up, we have a saying in Yoruba '“always remember the daughter of who you are” before you make mistakes and take the wrong steps. I think of my mum in many decisions I take, they provided for us so we don’t go out looking for things we shouldn’t. Taking those steps in bringing us up like that, my sisters and I are still very very very close.

I remember going back for the first time after my three years of education in England, I had my husband who was my boyfriend then in 1987, he lived in Ogun state and me in Lagos, I had a 9 to 5 job and thought I was an adult but if I go to see him in the morning over the weekends only, I couldn’t sleep over. Now we appreciate that strictness she had with us because we weren’t exposed to some of the bad things our friends were.

Yossy: you spoke already a bit about your relationship with my dad, when it came to getting together how did you know he was the one?

Mum: oh your dad choked me with love haha, from day one! We met (he would say otherwise when telling his side of the story) before summertime in 1985 and then I was seeing someone, not really serious at the time. Back then in England, one of the main ways of meeting someone was discos, I went to one with a friend, and the first time I met him I ignored him. We met again three months later I think around August or September, there was another disco as that’s when students would get remittance from Nigeria. This time I met your dad I wasn’t seeing anyone, we were dancing when he told me that he was at his last bus stop, which means you are the person I will marry in the future.

So from day one he made me feel comfortable in the relationship, he made it known to me that I was special to him. Then I was young, he’s six and a half years older than me, I was just out there to have fun with my friends. He let me know it wasn’t a casual relationship, and that he’s in this for the future, I had many people interested in going out with me but I did not take many of them seriously, so your dad was lucky. I’ve learned a lot from your dad, he’s been like a big brother to me, a teacher, best friend, and a dad, I felt safe with him. We just knew we were for each other, I didn’t introduce him to my parents, he went back to Nigeria to introduce himself to my parents. It’s been a love story for the two of us, we’ve been through it all and we’re still together (to God be the glory) it will be 38 years we’ve been in a relationship and 33 years married this year, it has its trials and tribulations but we thank God we’ve had each other backs.

Yossy: you and dad have been married for many years, and you have Sade and me, how would you say your journey was through motherhood?

Mum: motherhood…you can’t say this is how it will go, it’s an ongoing forever. I remember when I was pregnant I was with Folasade, and how happy I was, some of my friends were pregnant then, some already had their kids and were married, and about five or six of us were pregnant together in 1990-1991. You plan it in your head this is how it’s going to go but mine didn’t go according to plan or how it’s supposed to be. Everything went upside down at 28 weeks, I gave birth at 30 weeks pregnant so my first taste of motherhood was a disappointment because I was comparing it to how my friends and eldest two sisters’ pregnancy experiences went.

The first thing was do I survive? Does Sade survive? My husband as well as my family, were all praying for us to survive it. The first two months of Sade coming into the world were spent at Royal Free Hospital in the special care baby unit, it took two weeks for me to be discharged. It was full of daily commutes to the hospital, hoping Sade would come home, I gave birth to her in September and finally brought her home in November when she was due, she wasn’t even five pounds. She was two pounds two when she was born, when we would visit the clinic I wasn’t a proud mother because my baby was really small to the people around me. So I felt like a failure kind of, compared to other mothers with babies with rosy cheeks but that journey made me appreciate being a mother even more, surviving it with Sade and your dad, all of us learning together.

Then we had a second child, we had planned when Sade turns five we can have the next one. It went well, we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl whom we lost to cot death when she was five and a half months old going to six. I was meant to go back to work, so that was another testy moment but thank God for Sade and your dad. We lost her in 1996, and it took us a while before we felt ready to try again but luckily for us, God was so wonderful I fell pregnant in the summer of 97’ precisely in Queens New York, then gave birth to a wonderful, beautiful baby who is interviewing me, Folayosade on April 1st, 1998. It took me almost two years to sleep through the night, not wake up in the middle of the night to check on you, move your body and make sure you were still breathing.

When I was giving birth to you I will never forget, I always have my sisters around me when I’m giving birth, and your dad came and hugged me. What my sisters didn’t realise was that your dad whispered into my ears and said, no more it was too much trauma for us giving birth. I told my mum and sisters and they understood, at that moment I knew that was it, and thank God for our two beautiful daughters.

I remember when Sade became a teenager and I had to say to her “Folasade you are a teenager, I’ve never been a mum to a teenager so we both are learning, that’s the way it is”, I put my hands up when I get it wrong. It’s been a journey of learning, discovery, trusting them, and giving them a hand to hold, I’m still learning.

Yossy: are there things you would say shaped you as a mother? Or affected how you brought us up?

Mum: we had a shaky relationship with your dad’s family, which brought us very close together. We lost a lot by a way of living here, I had a really good job back in Nigeria for a young lady but we couldn’t stay on, we had to move back here and when we came back here, the standard really dropped. We were living on our parent’s money when studying, so when we came back he had to stay with friends who he had helped, I stayed with my sister with a young family, it wasn’t what we were used to. It’s like we had started all over again, it made us really strong.

Yossy: did you feel ready to be a mother when the time came? Do you think that you can ever feel ready?

Mum: that’s a tough question Folayosade. I will never forget what my older sisters said to me when we got married “oh you have to stop family planning, it will take time for you to get pregnant”, the first month I stopped taking birth control I got pregnant. I never knew I would fall pregnant that fast haha, so no matter how ready you are you can still be unprepared.

Yossy: the title I have for this personal project is a mother’s dream, what would you say your dream is for us?

Mum: I have so many dreams for you guys, first of all, is giving you guys confidence. That was my aim when bringing you up, for you to be able to handle yourselves no matter what situation, and to have confidence as a young African lady. Not to be timid, go for their dreams, to achieve their dreams as well, and say to themselves I can do it. I want them not to waste time because looking back, I would say there are some things I regret not doing and that I did, that I could have done a better way. From my own experience, I’m telling them this is the right time to do these things, don’t hold back, and nothing is impossible with God’s help.

I want them to be free and open and enjoy life, own up to their mistakes, move on from them and not let them hold them back. I don’t want them to be caught up in the lifestyle now, too much competition out there, too many unpleasant things going on out there. You learn from mistakes, you dust yourselves off and try again you know. For them to be happy, hold their heads high as young capable ladies. I want them to own the world, not for them to think they aren’t good enough, we’re not good at everything but you find what you’re good at! I want them to thrive in their career, in their life, in their relationship, and in everything. For them to be themselves, know who they are, don’t model themselves on anyone else, you’re uniquely made by your father and me.

I want them to come to me, to be open, I don’t hold back from them since they were young. What we can and can’t afford, I’ve never pretended to be someone we’re not. Maybe one of us is out of a job, or we can’t afford certain things this year, I’m always honest with them. I’m glad, I think I can say I have an open relationship with my children, and I’m grateful for that.

Yossy: that’s beautiful, I’m so happy. Leading on from what you mentioned, what would you say being a mother has taught you?

Mum: being a mother is forever, it’s 24/7. The dynamics of our family have changed since I became a mum over 31 years ago, Sade has moved out and Yosade you always have one leg in and one out, so your dad and I are finding ourselves in a place we’ve never been before. We’re still your mother and father no matter what but I still want to hear from them. Not being under the same roof doesn’t stop you from being a mother, being a mother is a constant, it’s a tug at your heart that pulls. Sometimes you have to take a step back to let them learn but it can be hard, to let them do things themselves. You want them to be great all the time, and you worry so much, I’ll always ask them about each other to make sure you’re both doing okay. They’ve made me realise they will come to me if anything is wrong, I don’t always have to worry.

Yossy: lastly, one of the aims I have with this is to hopefully, have mothers-to-be, young mums, have this as a thing they can maybe take from. So my last question is what would your advice be to younger mums or mums to be, what would you say?

Mum: be patient, let them grow as a mother, you worry about them. Make sure you’re approachable and let them know they can come to you. Know when to step back, be there for them, pray for them, I say to God “fill my mouth with the right words so I won’t say the wrong words to set them off, that I’ll say words that will be welcoming and encouraging to them”. Let them know you love them, assure them, and tell them you’re proud of them. I let them know where I’m coming from as a mother, that it’s coming from a place of love because I want the best for them. The world has changed compared to when I was younger, compared to back home in Nigeria so I try to understand them, I’m blessed I had their nan (my wonderful mother in disguise who was their childminder) who explained to me this is how things are in the UK.

Be there for them no matter what you are going through, we mothers also go through things but being a mother comes first no matter what, you provide for them and be there for them emotionally, physically, financially, and socially. A mother’s love is forever, you can’t decide one day you don’t want to do it anymore. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, it’s a blessing, I’m using this opportunity for those looking up to God for them to be blessed with a child of their own.

Seeing them grow and become young adults, finding their own ways, going to spend time with my daughter and granddaughter in Chicago, she’s my niece but I call her my daughter niece, I thank God I could witness that, that now she’s on her journey of motherhood herself. I remember when she was born, a baby in my arms, it’s a continuation. I’m so blessed when I put things on now, I’ll maybe say the bra and pants are mine, the rest was given to me by my daughters, I look forward to mothers day every year because I know I’m going to be spoiled. I pray for every mother out there that their journey with their children will be a blessing as well and that they take them to a place where they can stand on their own.

Interview 1: A Mother’s Dream with Adedayo Bamgbose-Akinsanya